It’s not failure that I fear. It’s the thought of someone thinking less of me or ridiculing me for not knowing how to do something that makes me anxious.

I went kayaking with my sister last year and I loved it. It brought back so many fond memories of kayaking/canoeing when we were younger. It also reminded me how peaceful I find it on the water.

She had bought two kayaks for herself and her family and now I was thinking about doing the same. I knew I didn’t have any time to use one because my husband and I were spending every weekend building our cabin. Therefore, I didn’t buy one last year. I still very much wanted one though.

Christmas comes around and two of my boys tell me my present from them is a new kayak. They hadn’t bought it yet and wanted me to assist picking out the one I wanted. So, on the coldest weekend in January, we go to Academy Sports and pick up my kayak. We are the strange people with a kayak in the bed of our truck driving down the interstate when it’s -20 windchill out.

We put the kayak on our back porch and I wait until the day I can use it.

I look at buying an oar, some tie-downs, a stand, and a cover for the kayak. I’m super excited about the idea of going kayaking whenever I want. However, the only thing I buy right off is the oar and a cover. The rest I figure I can wait until the weather warms up.

It’s now spring and the weather is warming. However, I still don’t take the kayak out right away because I hate cold water. The thought of cold water on my skin while kayaking is enough to keep me home. Excuse.

May comes around and it is warming up. I am excited to get my kayak out and use it for the first time. I order a kayak stand for the back and a truck bed extender so I will feel better about hauling the kayak. We have a truck box in the truck bed and it takes up part of the space, the kayak would occupy. I tell myself I can’t possibly take the kayak out until I have that bed extender. Excuse.

It all comes in and I am bound and determined to get it all set up this weekend. I mess with the truck bed extender and figure it all out. Then I set up the kayak stand in the back of the house. Time to get that kayak loaded into the truck bed so I can use it. I’m a little bit nervous because I haven’t actually picked up the kayak by myself at this point in time. I know I should be able to lift it, but still.

I pick it up and carry it to the truck, no problem. I put it in the bed and start messing with the bed extender. One of my sons comes out to see if I need help. We determine together that maybe the bed extender is really too long. I don’t need it for transporting the kayak.

I’m feeling better about my ability to load the kayak in and out of the truck. I still didn’t take the kayak out but now I feel better about loading it.

It’s now current day. I am taking the kayak out today. I know I can carry the kayak. I know how to secure things in a truck bed. I know how to kayak Why am I still anxious about going for the first time?

I load up the kayak and run into my first snag. The tie downs I bought are a little short for how I thought I’d attach them. Hmmm. Think. It’s ok, I’m not going very far. I figure out a different way to make it work. I’m only going a couple of miles out of town to the city lake. I’m not even getting on the highway.

Finally, I go, I unload, and I get on the water.

PEACE

What if I had kept letting myself make excuses? What if I had continued to feel self-conscious about making a mistake while someone was watching? I would never have felt the peace of being on that water and not having to depend on anyone else to achieve it.